


Falling

by wildwordwomyn



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, M/M, Pre-Slash, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-19
Updated: 2010-01-16
Packaged: 2017-10-09 14:56:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildwordwomyn/pseuds/wildwordwomyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared hears the big news, and figures out some big news about himself in the process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just my take on how Jared handles Jensen getting engaged.

The day starts out so great. I'm here in every way. Brilliant fall morning morphing into a crisp, sunny afternoon and on into a soft, chilly evening, and the words, actions, are rolling off me. Everything is perfect.

And then the sky falls down on me at dusk.

"I asked her to marry me, man. She said yes. Can you believe it? Me? Married?" Jensen laughs easily, as if the news is just that. News.

I blink in confusion. I don't know what happened between the time I woke up and now to make me feel so damn breathless but I am. "What?" I finally choke out.

"Yup. Figured it was time I made an honest woman of her, you know?" His face is open, happy. His face is beautiful.

Thing is I didn't even know he'd been planning on popping the question. Of course, I'd done the same thing with Sandy. I knew what it was like to get caught up in the romance of it. I'd had to take my proposal back once I'd finally realized how impossible it all was. And Jensen had been there to pick up the pieces, of which there were many. She'd only recently allowed us to be friends again.

"Hey, you hear me, dude?" Jensen snaps his fingers in my face to get my attention, looking irritated.

"Sorry. What?" I look across the distance of one sofa cushion, feeling like Jensen is a million miles away.

"Where's your head at?" His eyes narrow. "This is big, Jay, and you're acting like I just told you we need to run some lines." He palms my knee, giving it a jiggle.

It's wrong somehow. Inexplicably wrong. It was bad enough when he announced to the fans at a convention that he was moving out then remembered to let me in on that fact. But this? This is just...Wrong. I run up to my bedroom without another word. After closing and locking my bedroom door I scramble onto my bed, panic rising swiftly through me.

I'm not jealous. Really. Dani's great and all but she does nothing for me sexually. It's just that she keeps taking him away from me. It was me and him, you know? After Sandy it was us against the world, and I'd gotten used to it. To waking up and getting his coffee ready. To walking the dogs as he wandered down the stairs with the cutest grumpy face I'd ever seen. To doing our laundry and buying our food. To him falling asleep on my shoulder and the nearly orgasmic neck massages he gave me after a really tense day on set. To being with him all the time with no girlfriend to interrupt. To having him all to myself.

Then suddenly he was gone, his possessions packed and moved to his new condo, his clothes no longer mixing up with mine, no more evil cackle on the few days he was up before me and woke me up with a wrestling match or cold water poured over my bare chest. He'd been my Jensen then. Just mine. Now? Now he's with someone else who wants him permanently. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. It only takes a few seconds for the tears start rolling in earnest.

"Jay? You gonna talk to me or do I have to resort to tickling you?" he asks calmly into my ear.

I try to curl further into myself. 

"Did you forget you gave me a key when I first moved in? 'In case some chick has me handcuffed to the bed and I have to chew my arm off to get free,' you said. Guess it came in handy after all."

Aw, hell!

He sits on the bed, placing a gentle hand on the small of my back. "Why are you crying? I'm the one getting married, not you." He tries to chuckle but it comes out sounding hollow.

I don't know what to say. What am I supposed to say? How do I explain when I'm not sure I understand? "I'm fine," I tell him.

"If you're fine then why won't you look at me? Come on. What is it?" When the bastard lays down next to me my gut clenches into a fist at his closeness. I want to scream, hit him, make him leave me alone. But he won't. That's not who Jensen is or else I wouldn't love him so much...

Oh, fuck, it's worse than I thought...

"Is it Sandy?"

"God no!"

"We'll always be best friends, Jay-"

"That's not it either!" I press my lips together, fighting not to let the secret out.

"Do you think I'm making a mistake? Is she cheating on me or something?" See, right there? That opening is one I could do so much damage with.

"No, she's not cheating," I say, unable to hurt him with a lie even for my own benefit.

"Then what is it?" His hand slowly begins to rub circles into my lower back. I find myself wanting to raise my shirt up, to feel his fingers on my bare skin. That's when I know just how bad it really is. I tremble, needing him to move closer, to feel him wrapped around me, flesh to flesh with nothing between us but air.

"Nothing, Jen. Just...Just go, okay? Please?" I beg. I'm desperate now for him to walk away or touch me for real. I can't take the space between anymore.

He hesitates, then swings his legs over his side of the bed. "Okay. But you know this isn't over, right?"

A humorless laugh threatens to escape but I reign it back in. Once I'm sure I can speak again without sobbing I softly tell him, "Yeah, Jen. I know."

He leaves the bedroom door open as he walks down the stairs and out the front door. I roll over onto my back, half of my body in the spot he'd just been. I feel the heat of him, can smell his scent wafting up. I close my eyes. Imagine it's me walking down some aisle in some church, Jensen standing at the end with his lips spread in a big smile as he takes my hand. I wonder how he would kiss me after the vows are recited. Soft and sweet and him pulling back, the tips of his ear pink as he grins shyly? Or long and slow with a dip at the end, smirking that Dean smirk, winking?

I sigh, picturing both scenarios, until I remember he is marrying Dani, not me. He will be dipping and winking at her or blushing as he pulls back from kissing her. And he'll want me at his side to witness it all, to make it real. I open my eyes again to stare at the ceiling. I can't help wondering, why now? Five years of possibility and I had to wait until he was off limits to realize I was in love with him? What kind of idiot does that?! I inhale, exhale, inhale more deeply, then exhale again. If Jensen asks I have to be his best man. I will be his best man, even if I can't be anything else. He would do the same for me. Because he loves me. Because he would want me to be happy.

Because when you love someone you put their needs before your own, right?

Right?


	2. Chapter 2

The next day I lay in bed. And for the first time since I started shooting the show I call off sick without actually being sick. I know it's wrong but the thought of seeing him, of hearing everyone congratulate him, of hearing how happy he is, makes my insides twist into a pretzel. I get at least 4 missed calls on my cell that I don't answer simply because I know it's him. Sadie and Harley keep close as if they know. I don't even feel like eating, which tells me just how bad off I am. Finally, after hours of doing nothing but wallowing, my stomach begins rumbling so loud I fear my neighbors will hear it. I groan as I slowly roll out of bed and head toward the kitchen.

And, of course, that is when I scream.

A man is bending over in front of my fireplace, stoking the flames. At first I don't recognize him. I'm tired from lack of sleep, a little woozy from lack of food, and depressed from lack of Jensen. Granted, screaming like a girl might have been melodramatic, but I have a right.

"Jay? What the hell?!" Jensen turns around, holding a hand to his chest, his green eyes wide and round as he stares at me.

My mouth drops open in shock. For some reason I hadn't expected him to come over. I should've but...

"Jesus, I think my heart just skipped a beat!" He closes his eyes and breathes deeply to calm himself.

"What are YOU doing here?!" Still over-the-top. Can't help it though. In my current state anything could slip out.

"I came to check on you. I know you're not sick, Jay. You just don't wanna see me. So I'm here to find out why."

The way he's looking at me, the intensity in his gaze, almost makes me blurt it out right here. Instead my lips press together tightly.

"Jay..." He walks toward me, his hands out. I back away but it doesn't matter. He won't stop coming forward. "Jay, talk to me." I shake my head. "Please?" I end up against the wall, shrinking in on myself as much as possible, watching his hands, wanting them on me, dreading what will happen as soon as they reach their destination. "Tell me what I did? Let me fix it?"

I didn't understand before. This thing that we have that exists between us. My needing him close, needing to touch him all the time, to hear his voice and see his face. I didn't realize. Now that I do know, with him close enough to brush my skin with his breath? I really wish he would kiss me. Just once. So I can feel his lips on mine.

"Kiss me..." I murmur, can't help murmuring out loud. He smells like musky cologne and vanilla spice and something else that is pure Jensen Ackles and it's making me light-headed. It's the only excuse I have for letting the cat out of the bag.

"Uh, Jay?" He straightens up quickly, a confused quirk in his eyebrows.

Shit..." Did I just say that out loud?" Shit! Shitshitshitshitshit!

"Uh, yeah, ya did." This time it's Jensen who backs away from me.

"I," my mind goes completely blank, "um...Jen, please...Wait?" By now he's at the door, his hand on the knob. "Wait, I...Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? Can we just forget I said that? Please?"

My eyes grow big, desperate. "My best friend just asked me to kiss him, Jay. I don't think that's something I can forget." The knob turns.

"Don't marry Dani!", I blurt.

And here, ladies and gentlemen, is where I stupidly make things ten times worse.

"You can't marry her!" Luckily for me he lets go of the knob. Unluckily when he turns back around to face me his hands are fists. This certainly doesn't look like it will end well. But far be it from me to not act like an idiot and say whatever whatever I'm thinking. "I love you!"

"What?!" He's obviously not getting it. His hands relax but he still seems ready to bolt. I know I've got one chance to explain myself, to possibly make him stay.

"I mean I'm in love with you, Jen. And I know I was slow for not seeing it until now. I know that makes me an asshole but I don't want you to marry her. I want you to marry me. I want to marry you." Where that comes from surprises the hell out of both of us. "Please," I say softly, my voice dying off suddenly when his eyes narrow in disgust.

I drop my head, now feeling maybe I hadn't lied about the feeling sick part. A second later I hear the door open. By the time I look back up he's gone. I assume this means he either hates my guts or I've scared him off. Either way the situation is not leaning in my favor. I blame myself for opening my big mouth. Springing something so big on him, at the wrong time? Yeah, I just dug my own grave. He'll never forgive me, or look at me the same way again. I head toward the kitchen. Only instead of getting food I grab a full bottle of Jack Daniels and take it back to my bedroom. This moment calls for lots of alcohol, preferably enough to kill myself with because a world without Jen is a world I don't want to be in.

Thing is, I hadn't meant for it to happen. For me to have these feelings. Feelings that make more sense the more I gulp down Jack. I think back to different memories and it's so clear. The day we met I knew he was special. Every day since has just cemented that idea. We've spent so much time together, learned so much about each other that it was bound to happen. I fall so fast, so easily. Alexis, Chad, Sandy. And in the end I was too much for them all. Why would Jen be any different?

Even if he did feel the same way eventually he'd stop. They all do, whether I want them to or not. At least Chad was honest from the start of our relationship. Though the sex was great he wanted only friendship. After a while I could handle it. With Alexis I was just too young. Of course, I thought Sandy was it. For real. For once. Until she said she didn't want to be anymore. Then here comes Jen. This amazingly beautiful, intelligent, funny, sweet guy who's everything I've ever wanted to be, who's everything I've ever wanted in a lover. I should've known it wouldn't work out.

I take another long swig of Jack, welcoming the burn. I think maybe I really hate love...


	3. Chapter 3

"Chad?" It's not a good idea to call the next day with the hangover I have and his innate ability to be insensitive but he'll give it to me straight and right now I need that more than anything.

"You told him, didn't you?" he asks, immediately guessing my reason for calling.

I don't answer, which is answer enough.

"You're an asshole, Padalecki." I nod. Doesn't matter that he can't see me. It's true. "You really thought it would work out. That he'd say he was gonna forget all about Dani and everything would be perfect."

"But-"

"Fuck, Jared! Did you ever consider that he might not feel the same way? Or that he did but gave up and decided to be with someone he had a chance with?"

"Chad-"

He cuts me off again. "Dude, you had years to figure this shit out. Why the hell would you wait until he was engaged and happy to tell him you wanna be the one to bear his babies?"

I admit I don't have the best track record when it comes to relationships but Chad seems a little too upset by this. Especially since he's actually defending someone he's sworn to hate on principle. I really don't know where it's coming from. And the truth is it hurts hearing it like that. Knowing Jen is probably looking at it like that.

He takes a breath and lets it out in a whoosh. "Listen to me, you dick, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. You put up with my shit when no one else does and that alone makes you a pretty amazing person, but the world does not revolve around you!" Rich, coming from him. And I can't deny it.

He hangs up before I can respond. Besides, there's not much else to say anyway. I actually had expected Jen to drop her, to realize he loved me too and wanted to make a life with me like we'd had before he moved out. I had expected him to say yes to whatever I offered, simply because I offered it. Talk about arrogant. And now here I am wondering why it's all not working in my favor. Jen didn't smile and say it was about time as if he'd been waiting for me all along. He'd reacted like I would've if the roles had been reversed. Can I blame him?

I make one more call that goes straight to voice mail.

"I'm sorry." I don't say anything else. Apologizing is all that makes sense at this stage. I wish I could say I love him, that all I've ever wanted is for him to be happy but now I'm not so sure it's enough when a huge part of me wants Dani out of the picture. It's just not possible to be selfish and selfless at the same time.

The next few months are pure hell. The only time I see Jensen is at work. Professional that he is he acts easily like we're brothers who love each other enough to survive anything. Off set he barely spares a glance my way. And I give him space. What else is there to do? At home with only the dogs for company I sleep less and less, eat less and less, running with Harley, laying around with Sadie, telling everyone who notices the bags under my eyes and how loose my clothes are starting to fit that I'm fine.

Then suddenly, out of the blue, my cell phone rings late one night. It's Jensen. I pick up and wait anxiously for him to speak first.

"...Did you mean it? What you said about wanting to marry me?"

I look at the numbers on the alarm clock. It's 3am and the house is completely silent. "Yeah," I say softly into the dark, my stomach churning.

"Took ya long enough to figure that out, don'tcha think?"

I smile sadly. "I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to love stuff." Just ask my exes.

"What did you think would happen, Jay? That once you told me I'd dump Dani and we'd skip off to get hitched in some gay resort in Vermont?" The words sound harsh but his voice is tender.

"Pretty much," I confess, chuckling. I'm trying, and failing, not to cry.

He doesn't say anything for a while, leaving me to my own thoughts. I wonder if we'll be able to remain friends. If he'll invite me to the wedding. If he'll want me as his best man. If he ever did. God, I hate this. Jen's on the other end of the phone, almost close enough to touch and I might've lost him for good...

"You're not sleeping so great these days. Not eating either from what I've noticed."

"I..." There's no point in lying to him. "No."

"Because of me?" Am I supposed to answer? I don't know what to do here. "Because of me?" he repeats, pressing.

"Because I'm scared I ruined something really special with my best friend. Because I messed up big-time with Dani." I close my eyes wearily, running a free hand through my hair and the tears roll down my cheeks. "Because of you, Jen," I murmur. I take a shaky breath, grateful he's still talking to me at all.

"Why?" Long as I've known the man he's never grasped what everyone sees in him. Aside from his looks, I mean. He thinks it's his lips or his ass. And I've yet to convince him that it's so much more.

"Why? Jesus, Jen...Because you're everything I've ever wanted to be when I grew up. Because you're sweet and funny and smart and strong and beautiful and just...Everything I've ever wanted. Period."

And that's the jist of it right there. What was always in the back of my mind. What I tried to fight against. Jensen Ackles is the man I want to be and the man I want to be with all in one perfectly imperfect package. The one person I never want to let go of. When Sandy gave my ring back it broke my heart, but I knew I would survive. If Jen walks out of my life after this? There will be no heart to break.

"You want me that bad?" he asks, surprised.

"I need you that bad. I know I shouldn't, that it's not fair to you or Dani, but I do. And if you don't..." My voice goes out a second before I can finish. I clear my throat. "If you don't feel the same way I'll learn to live with it. I'd rather have your friendship than nothing, Jen. I just...I couldn't hide it." I clear my throat again. "I'm so damn sorry, dude."

"Don't be sorry," he says quietly. "You? Feeling that way? About me? It's...Well, it's flattering as all hell, Jay. Really."

Flattering doesn't sound promising. But it doesn't sound like the end of our friendship either so I'll take what I can get.

"I just had no idea..."

"I didn't either until you proposed. I mean I think it's always been there. I just didn't admit it to myself before now."

"Then why keep it a secret?"

"I didn't wanna lose you, Jen. And my relationships never work out. What was the point in chancing it?"

"You drive me crazy, you know that, Padalecki?" Another person using my last name. Definitely not a good sign. And such an abrupt change in conversation. "Do you know why it's so easy for you to talk me into all the stupid shit we do?" He sighs. "You wouldn't have lost me even if you wanted to." I exhale loudly, crying again.

"Jen...," I whisper, sniffling.

"Right here, Jay," he responds, his own voice a little gruffer than usual. "I'm right here with you. Always have been."

Hearing him say that, his tone so loving and raw, tells me exactly what I've been hoping for. "I love you," I blurt, the tears rolling in earnest now.

This time it's Jen who sniffles. "I love you, too, Jay..." I grin, getting snot in my mouth as I find myself wanting to sleep for the first time in a long time. "Now get some rest, dude. 'Cause tomorrow's gonna be a bitch of a day."

"Sweet dreams, Jen." It slips out before I can stop it. It's sappy and it feels dirty somehow but I want him to think of me while he sleeps, to see my face, to feel me wanting him. I want him to dream about being loved by me and wake up smiling.

"...Yeah, baby. You too."

I don't think he means for the endearment to be heard but it's too late. I take the word in, committing it to memory. Tomorrow he'll be breaking it off with Dani. He'll tell his family, his friends, about why it didn't last. And I'll catch my own shit for causing it to happen. But right now all that matters is Jensen Ackles chose me, and we might actually last.


End file.
